My fellow Austrians.

Good evening.  You may have noticed the Blob’s small hiatus from its regularly scheduled cutting commentary.  My apologies.  We’re living in a reality show conducted by King Man-Child and Mr. Bannon-Goebbels and it is exhausting.  I’m so exhausted that upon waking up to a rare San Francisco peal of thunder recently, I assumed we were getting nuked by North Korea and was surprisingly okay with it. 

But this is the tactic of our Orange Overlord, right?  Inundate us with bullshit from all angles so we are stuck spinning in excrement, all while he dances around tearing down democratic norms?  Our free press, our independent judiciary—nothing is safe from his vindictive incompetence.

I can hear some of you thinking, “Oh Claire, you’re being dramatic.  Can’t we go back to the fun, non-political times of the Blob?”  NO WE CANNOT.  I attempted to write a light-hearted post last week but it turned into a real tearjerker about how I feel like CAPTAIN VON TRAPP SINGING EDELWEISS TO HIS DEAD AUSTRIA.  I need you, Julie Andrews.  And right now, I’m sparing you the very poignant lessons we could learn from the Old Jewish Cemetery in Prague (but don’t worry, I’m saving it for later).  It seems that all my blob brain is wired for right now is finding parallels between our current state of affairs and the rise of the Third Reich.  THANKS, OBAMA.

And now, we breathe.  During the hiatus from substantive blobbing, I had the great fortune of attending two meet-ups of strong lady friends (Feminist Fight Club last Tuesday and Babes Brunch yesterday).  We discussed current events, brainstormed ways to get involved, and ate delicious food.  I recognize my tendency to sit at home and fret, so it was good to meet up with smart, kind women and plan for action.  I highly recommend it.  It’s healthy to get out of social media world.

Womankind, arise!

That’s all I got for today, y'all.  Good night.  God bless.  Call your senators.  Tip your waitresses.

Though we adore men individually,
we agree that as a group they're rather stupid.

We have a winner.

PS.

Very proud to announce:

Ann, you are the best.

Incredible.

Friends, I have good news and bad news.  Let’s share the bad news first. 

Zero bids.

While I am disappointed, I admit I am not surprised.  I think my dress description managed to alienate all potential buyers.  I did try to make this an internet sensation.  For the first time ever, I used my Twitter quite aggressively, reaching out to famous and semi-famous people to alert them to the cause.  Unfortunately, all my efforts got me were a) one weird new Twitter follower and b) locked out of my account.  (By the by, my Twitter spirit animal may be Cher.  She is full of emojis and anti-Trump rage.  Not enough to bid on my dress though.) 

There is still time to sell the dress.  5 hours.  Miracles happen. 

Now the good news.  My week of Ivanka-trolling led me to an important realization: Ivanka is Mirage from The Incredibles.  We excuse her propensity towards evil* because she is hot and her boss is creepily in love with her.

*This comparison is unfair to Mirage, I know.

“But doesn’t Mirage double-cross Syndrome, save Mr. Incredible, and turn out to be good in the end?”  Correct.  I already told you the comparison is unfair.  I hate to be the one to tell you, though….real life is no Disney movie.

But it is pretty incredible.

 

Women who work.

I had a very unsettling dream last night.  It was Election Day, the result of which somehow was related to the outcome of the NCAA basketball championship (also happening that day).  Hillary’s chances would increase with one team’s victory, and Trump’s would increase with the other’s.  I was watching the game at a bar with Meryl Streep (of course). The refs were making horrendous calls, Trump’s fans were getting loud and rowdy, and Hillary’s team kept throwing the ball away.  (Apparently my subconscious is good at metaphors.)  Meryl and I were tearing our hair out, and at one point I believe we were crying with each other.  The game did not end and I remember thinking “How could I have gone to sleep before finding out who won the election?” (Sometimes in my dreams, I am aware that I am sleeping, but not aware that the dream is not real life.)

When I woke up this morning, I felt I needed to take action.  But how?  I only have one vote.  But…..I also have an Ivanka Trump dress in my closet.  Though I used to love this dress, I know now I can never wear it again.  Rather than let it languish on a hanger, perhaps I could use it for good.  I decided to sell it on eBay and give half the proceeds to a charity that would make Donald Trump squirm (a group that distributes feminine hygiene products to homeless women) and the other half to the Hillary Victory Fund. 

The dress sale description:

This dress is as beautiful and thin as Ivanka Trump herself.  It will give you all her class and poise--you too can look effortless as you defend the your father's bigotry and hate.  Be warned: this dress may make your father proclaim that he would date you.  But don't worry, that's definitely not as creepy as it sounds. Ivanka was cool with it, so you should be too.

I bought this dress about 4 years ago and it is still in excellent condition.  Slip is included.  The outer shell is a bit shear, but the slip mitigates its see-through quality.  It's the best of both worlds: sexy enough for men to tolerate your presence, but chaste enough so as not to elicit their sexual harassment.

Lovingly hand crafted by the best Chinese workers.  Cannot guarantee that they were paid.  

50% of the proceeds from this sale will be donated to (fem)me, a nonprofit in Athens, Georgia that "seeks to relieve the unnecessary suffering experienced by homeless women who do not have access to feminine hygiene products."  The remainder will go to the Hillary Victory Fund.  And yes, I will actually donate this money.

I’m realizing I may not be cut out for sales.  (No bids yet.)  But please do share and consider bidding.  I’d hate for Ivanka to think no one wants her dress.