A Christmas tradition.

Watching the Kennedy Center Honors is a cherished Christmas tradition in my family.  Is this normal?  We all gather ‘round the TV and discuss how old and decrepit the honorees are looking these days, while we enjoy the retrospectives on their lives and careers. 

Peter asks, "Which member of the Eagles looks most like a skeleton?"

Those of you who do not dedicate a Christmas evening to sending senior citizens off into the American pantheon are truly missing out.  Every year, the Kennedy Center chooses a handful of actors/musicians/directors/entertainers to honor with a lifetime achievement award.  They put on a big glitzy show and bring in other celebrities to pay homage to the honorees.  It’s kind of similar to the “In Memoriam” segment of the Oscars, but the people are still alive.  The President and First Lady sit up in the box with all the honorees.  During any musical number, the camera pans up to the presidential box and we get to see everyone really feeling the music (see 1:00 and 2:32 marks). 

While I enjoy learning about the honorees’ lives and careers, I particularly love how awkward some of these tributes are.  The most bizarre in recent memory was Martin Short’s tribute to Tom Hanks in 2014.  At the end, Martin breaks out into an elaborate “Yankee Doodle Dandy” song and dance number (no, you are not forgetting Tom Hank’s hit role in Yankee Doodle Dandy.  Yes, it was an odd choice for a Tom Hanks tribute).  If you can’t stomach the whole thing, at least skip to the 16:10 mark—even Tom is like, wtf is happening.  Don’t miss 17:30 for a tap dancing child prodigy and Tom Hanks again being like, wtf.  Now envision in the same show, a sitar tribute to Sting and frequent camera pans to him clapping like a poorly programmed animatronic (9:40).  Like I said, you’re missing out if this is not part of your holiday tradition. 

This year's show could not escape a certain bittersweet atmosphere.  It was, of course, the last time a normal human president will preside over the event for quite some time, perhaps forever.  Attending the Kennedy Center Honors is just one of the many ceremonial duties I cannot quite envision for our president-elect.  (Reading books to schoolchildren, throwing out the first pitch, and giving State of the Union are others.)  Can we expect him to sit through an entire evening honoring other people?  Will his vanity allow it?  Our child-in-chief might need to bring his iPad.  Imagine the tweets coming from the president’s box. 

My show THE APPRENTICE got higher ratings than anything <insert actual honoree> has ever done!  Where is my award?  Very unfair!

I have to spend the evening with Hollywood elite—would rather focus on YOU, the American people!

But let's be real.  I think we all can predict what's in store for the 2017 Kennedy Center Honors.

Melania would rather be in her tower.

With a special tribute from surprise guest, Vlad!

*I know I promised not to name or depict our president-elect for the rest of 2016.  I'm sorry.  I couldn't help myself.  But...are you not entertained??

Vlad can't HEAR you!

Women who work.

I had a very unsettling dream last night.  It was Election Day, the result of which somehow was related to the outcome of the NCAA basketball championship (also happening that day).  Hillary’s chances would increase with one team’s victory, and Trump’s would increase with the other’s.  I was watching the game at a bar with Meryl Streep (of course). The refs were making horrendous calls, Trump’s fans were getting loud and rowdy, and Hillary’s team kept throwing the ball away.  (Apparently my subconscious is good at metaphors.)  Meryl and I were tearing our hair out, and at one point I believe we were crying with each other.  The game did not end and I remember thinking “How could I have gone to sleep before finding out who won the election?” (Sometimes in my dreams, I am aware that I am sleeping, but not aware that the dream is not real life.)

When I woke up this morning, I felt I needed to take action.  But how?  I only have one vote.  But…..I also have an Ivanka Trump dress in my closet.  Though I used to love this dress, I know now I can never wear it again.  Rather than let it languish on a hanger, perhaps I could use it for good.  I decided to sell it on eBay and give half the proceeds to a charity that would make Donald Trump squirm (a group that distributes feminine hygiene products to homeless women) and the other half to the Hillary Victory Fund. 

The dress sale description:

This dress is as beautiful and thin as Ivanka Trump herself.  It will give you all her class and poise--you too can look effortless as you defend the your father's bigotry and hate.  Be warned: this dress may make your father proclaim that he would date you.  But don't worry, that's definitely not as creepy as it sounds. Ivanka was cool with it, so you should be too.

I bought this dress about 4 years ago and it is still in excellent condition.  Slip is included.  The outer shell is a bit shear, but the slip mitigates its see-through quality.  It's the best of both worlds: sexy enough for men to tolerate your presence, but chaste enough so as not to elicit their sexual harassment.

Lovingly hand crafted by the best Chinese workers.  Cannot guarantee that they were paid.  

50% of the proceeds from this sale will be donated to (fem)me, a nonprofit in Athens, Georgia that "seeks to relieve the unnecessary suffering experienced by homeless women who do not have access to feminine hygiene products."  The remainder will go to the Hillary Victory Fund.  And yes, I will actually donate this money.

I’m realizing I may not be cut out for sales.  (No bids yet.)  But please do share and consider bidding.  I’d hate for Ivanka to think no one wants her dress.