The prodigal daughter returns.

The Blob began about three years ago as a way for me to put off packing for the big move from Houston to San Francisco.  It feels appropriate that it should end now with me being a giant procrastinator again, but this time packing for my big move back to the east coast (beast coast, as they say).

I'm so glad people have enjoyed this blog.  I promise there will be more to come (possibly "Reports from Solitude"...we'll see).

Merry Christmas (isn't it great we're allowed to say that again?  Just don't mention that Jesus was a vulnerable fetus) and a happy, healthy, peaceful 2018 to you all.

I'll leave you with my packing playlist--all songs that appeared on my Spotify Top Songs of 2017 (you'll find I am not "hip").  I can recommend these songs for singing aloud while moving piles from one place to another and mulling over your life choices.

• "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton: Particularly satisfying after you have quit your job.

• "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling" by Hall and Oates: Becca and I are going to be Hall and Oates for Halloween next year.  This has been good practice for the karaoke portion.

• "I Want Crazy" by Hunter Hayes: Not sure I need too much more of it though, tbh.

• "Montezuma" by the Fleet Foxes

• "Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise" by The Avett Brothers

• "Fuck You" by Cee-lo Green ;)

• "Respect" by Aretha Franklin

• "Send Me on My Way" by Rusted Root

• "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Simon & Garfunkel: SAIL ON, SILVER GIRL

• "Time to Say Goodbye" by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli: CON TEEEEE PARTIROOOOO (also, why is she so weird in this video?)

• "One Day More" by the 10th Anniversary Cast of Les Miserables (the best version IMO, 25th Anniversary also acceptable): One day more to pack and get rid of all this, plus several items not shown:

A Christmas tradition.

Watching the Kennedy Center Honors is a cherished Christmas tradition in my family.  Is this normal?  We all gather ‘round the TV and discuss how old and decrepit the honorees are looking these days, while we enjoy the retrospectives on their lives and careers. 

Peter asks, "Which member of the Eagles looks most like a skeleton?"

Those of you who do not dedicate a Christmas evening to sending senior citizens off into the American pantheon are truly missing out.  Every year, the Kennedy Center chooses a handful of actors/musicians/directors/entertainers to honor with a lifetime achievement award.  They put on a big glitzy show and bring in other celebrities to pay homage to the honorees.  It’s kind of similar to the “In Memoriam” segment of the Oscars, but the people are still alive.  The President and First Lady sit up in the box with all the honorees.  During any musical number, the camera pans up to the presidential box and we get to see everyone really feeling the music (see 1:00 and 2:32 marks). 

While I enjoy learning about the honorees’ lives and careers, I particularly love how awkward some of these tributes are.  The most bizarre in recent memory was Martin Short’s tribute to Tom Hanks in 2014.  At the end, Martin breaks out into an elaborate “Yankee Doodle Dandy” song and dance number (no, you are not forgetting Tom Hank’s hit role in Yankee Doodle Dandy.  Yes, it was an odd choice for a Tom Hanks tribute).  If you can’t stomach the whole thing, at least skip to the 16:10 mark—even Tom is like, wtf is happening.  Don’t miss 17:30 for a tap dancing child prodigy and Tom Hanks again being like, wtf.  Now envision in the same show, a sitar tribute to Sting and frequent camera pans to him clapping like a poorly programmed animatronic (9:40).  Like I said, you’re missing out if this is not part of your holiday tradition. 

This year's show could not escape a certain bittersweet atmosphere.  It was, of course, the last time a normal human president will preside over the event for quite some time, perhaps forever.  Attending the Kennedy Center Honors is just one of the many ceremonial duties I cannot quite envision for our president-elect.  (Reading books to schoolchildren, throwing out the first pitch, and giving State of the Union are others.)  Can we expect him to sit through an entire evening honoring other people?  Will his vanity allow it?  Our child-in-chief might need to bring his iPad.  Imagine the tweets coming from the president’s box. 

My show THE APPRENTICE got higher ratings than anything <insert actual honoree> has ever done!  Where is my award?  Very unfair!

I have to spend the evening with Hollywood elite—would rather focus on YOU, the American people!

But let's be real.  I think we all can predict what's in store for the 2017 Kennedy Center Honors.

Melania would rather be in her tower.

With a special tribute from surprise guest, Vlad!

*I know I promised not to name or depict our president-elect for the rest of 2016.  I'm sorry.  I couldn't help myself.  But...are you not entertained??

Vlad can't HEAR you!

Bah humbug.

Merry Christmas, you are now allowed to take an exam.*

*After you send us a check for a hundred dollars.

*And then you wait four more weeks.

Reason for the season.

Happy December, blobs.  If we can thank Donald Trump for anything, it might be that his victory has Fox News and lackeys in such an orgasmic tizzy that they might completely forget to freak out about the War on Christmas.  Praise sweet baby Jesus.  The reason for the season.

For my Advent sacrifice, I’m going to give up our president-elect. I find it difficult to prepare a joyful heart for the coming of baby Jesus while I’m dreading the coming of President Trump (which is doing nothing to sooth my sneaking suspicion he is the actual antichrist).  (Relax, I’m being dramatic.)  (Or am I…)  Anyways, my plan is to ignore him.  You all are welcome to join me.  We deserve a break.  After today, the Blob will neither mention his name nor display his image for the rest of 2016.  Instead, you can look forward to my very civilized reviews of the year’s podcasts, books, and shows.  Cheers.

We’ll leave Donald in the care of a trustworthy adult.  Thanks for taking one for the team, Mitt.  Let him wine and dine you, but if he proposes furniture shopping...cover your you-know-what and run.

...the Satan thing though.

"Happy holidays."

Today as I was walking home from work, I realized I was feeling rather blobby.  Blobby as in I’m rapidly approaching my winter weight, thanks to successful Thanksgiving festivities.  Thinking about the word “blobby” reminded me I haven’t written in my blog in a while, so after my dinner of Mexican blend shredded cheese...hello.  I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be.  Also I just found myself staring at the word “Thanksgiving” and found myself thinking about that word as well.  We’re pretty lucky the Pilgrims named it “Thanksgiving”—it’s almost as if they could foresee the political correctness shitstorm that would be the 21^st century.  “Thanksgiving” is about as inoffensive, religiously noncommittal, and secular feel-goody as we can get.  It’s also my favorite holiday, so I’m glad people aren’t coming after it because of their triggered feelings.  Well done, Puritans.

I can feel in my blood pressure where this post might be going, so I’d like to preface anything I am about to say with: I am not voting for Donald Trump, he is a hateful and angry man.  (Although the mind-boggling fact that he is still leading the polls makes me think he may be the president our country deserves.  Or at least the nominee the Republican Party deserves.) 

I would, however, like to say this War on Holidays has got to stop.  I’m not super worried about the “War” on Christmas because the religious right isn’t going anywhere.  I am, however, quite disturbed by the WAR ON HALLOWEEN.  What is this garbage.  I hope Yale students can manage to unwad their panties, step out into the world (which, newsflash, is not your “safe space”) and redirect their tears toward actual problems. 

Anyways.  We should talk about happier things.  Like, Thanksgiving.  It was a wonderful, whirlwind trip to Boston.  So, so nice to see all the cousins, aunts, and uncles, and I’m glad Will came along to join the fun.  Maybe next time we will pick less painfully timed flights.  Avoiding being on a plane at 5am (whether at landing or takeoff) could be a good general rule of thumb.  At least our pilot began our flight home with a comforting announcement:

“Blah blah currently 47 degrees in San Francisco, blah blah some turbulence over the Great Plains, blah blah.  And…I know some, if not most, of you may be nervous to travel in light of the recent events……in Paris.  However, we want you to know that we are always in touch with our company and that there are no specific threats against this flight.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy this 6 hour and 6 minute flight to San Francisco.”

Ah yes.  I will.

(Was that our cue to look around and make sure no one was snickering evilly?  Was United test-driving that as a new part of the safety demo?  I will be giving them a piece of my mind in my post-flight survey.)