Good night and good luck.

"Thanks for nothing, you dimwits."

Evening address.

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

As I sit here on the couch and enjoy my dinner of cheese sticks, chocolate covered pretzels, and Trumer Pils, I ponder the future of our great nation.  I came across this clip from the Ellen Show, in which my new favorite child named Macey expresses joy and wonderment at meeting President Obama and George W. Bush.  (You must watch this video.)  How, I wonder, will Macey feel about meeting a President Trump?  How will President Trump feel about meeting her?  Will he inspire her to become President Macey?  Or will he recommend she become a supermodel, because those are the only women worth having around?   While perhaps it is not a primary part of the president’s job, I would argue that meeting with and inspiring children is a crucial aspect of the American presidency.  How can we expect our democracy to survive if the president does not encourage and respect the potential of children (and vice versa)?  As Donald Trump’s candidacy now seems inevitable, we need to THINK OF THE CHILDREN. 

I am about to embark upon a letter writing campaign to as many Republican party officials as possible, urging them not to endorse Donald Trump for president.  You are welcome to join the effort.  Our democracy depends on the active participation of its citizens.  This election is scaring the shit out of me, so I am planning to do as much as is in my power to prevent a Donald Trump presidency.  I have already signed up to volunteer for Hillary’s campaign.  (Forgive me, father.)

My fellow Americans, we must think of the children.  Our democracy depends on it.  God bless Hillary Clinton, and God bless America.

PS.

See ya, asshole.

The first early blob.

Unprecedented thing—I am writing this post AHEAD of time.  It is the first early blob.  I am still going to schedule it to publish tomorrow for a reason that will reveal itself later.

Why am I writing early?  Two reasons.  Number one, tomorrow is opening day for the Architects, Contractors & Engineers Softball League of San Francisco.  Last year, we claimed the dubious prize of “First Place in the Non-Competitive Playoff”, which I think is equivalent to a participation trophy.  So we have middling success.  The contractors, being bigger, stronger, and scarier, consistently beat up on all the skinny architects and engineers.  While I’d like to think architects’ coolness advantage over engineers translates into softball wins, that is not always the case.  Tomorrow we play a team of contractors, so it may be a tough night for the defending Non-Competitive Playoff Champs. 

Number two, I am procrastinating studying for my Building Systems exam (aptly abbreviated “BS”).  I’m supposed to study electrical systems tonight, but I’m having trouble relocating from the couch to the desk.  On Saturday, when I was supposed to study plumbing systems, somehow I ended up taking a six-hour nap.  So motivation has been a tough thing to muster.  I’m very ready to be done with these tests.  Two more to go, then the California exam, then I will be an architect.  Why does it take longer to become an architect than it does to become a doctor…we do not get paid nearly enough for this.

Anyways, in honor of my flooded, beloved Houston and Way Back Wednesday (which I thought I invented until I just googled it), I will close with one of my all-time favorite Youtube videos.  I remember seeing this on the news while we waited for Hurricane Ike to make landfall.  I’m so glad it’s on Youtube.  It just tickles me.  I may account for all 79,000 views.

To the Grand Old Party.

Dear Reasonable Republicans (come out, come out, wherever you are),

I voted for John McCain in 2008.  I had always liked him and thought he was a reasonable guy.  Admittedly, I failed to recognize the crazy that is Sarah Palin.  But, John McCain is still alive right now, so I like to think that if he had been elected, psychopants Palin wouldn’t have gotten her shot at the Oval Office.  Regardless, unlike most of my fellow college students, I wasn’t swept away by chants for hope and change and hope and change and hope and change.  I felt (and still feel, to an extent) that Obama’s idealism was naïve.  Pretty speeches do not make a peaceful world, as we have seen in a Middle East that is in no better shape now after eight years of Obama than it was after eight years of Bush.  I was, however, proud and encouraged that our country could finally elect a black president.  I hoped it was a sign of healing for a polarized electorate.

But, of course, I was wrong.  Over the last eight years, we’ve watched you, Republicans, descend into paranoia and allow ideologues to hijack the party.  You strangely decided to stake your lives and honor on preventing gay people from getting married, on pretending abortion and gender-neutral bathrooms are two of the biggest threats to our national security, on blaming gun violence on anything other than guns.  By fixating on these and other similar issues, by making compromise a dirty word, and by holding up Barack Obama as the root of all evil, you have allowed people like Mary Lou Bruner to believe they are espousing Republican ideals.  If these are not Republican ideals, why don’t you say so?  How do we know your silence is not tacit approval?  Your fear of alienating people who subscribe to hateful and dangerous agendas has just about handed the Republican nomination to Donald Trump.

Do I think Obama has done a fantastic job as president?  Not particularly.  Do I think every single thing he does is wrong, perhaps even evil, and that every single thing he touches must be spat upon, cursed, and torched?  Emphatically no.  Herein lies one of my most basic frustrations with you, Republicans.  You have never been able to mount productive and rational debate of Obama’s policy (which could have benefited from honest critique) because you are petulant little boys who constantly cry wolf.  You have allowed the bogeymen of Planned Parenthood, gay marriage, and a gun-safe-raiding Barack Obama drive reason, practicality, and credibility from the party.  You can’t preach (or allow others to preach for you) anger, anti-intellectualism, anti-progress, and an oversimplified good-versus-evil view of the world, and then be surprised when that’s what your voters want.

Our democracy is starving for healthy debate.  There are real problems to solve, but they are not insurmountable.  But you, Republicans, have been unable and unwilling to contribute to the problem solving.  It is no coincidence that you now see your party imploding.

I have a suggestion.

Quit panicking and see the opportunity in the disarray.  Couldn’t this be a chance to cut the crazy and form a moderate party?  A party that is interested in governing rather than spreading an ideology?  The process wouldn’t be pretty and it would require serious humility from you, reasonable Republicans.  But in the end, you free yourselves from the crazies who have destroyed you and you marginalize them into oblivion.  You must dig deep for that last shred of integrity that must be there…somewhere.  Let Trump have the Republican nomination, let him have Ted Cruz as his VP.  Then publicly deny them your support.  Hand the election to Hillary on the condition she recognizes this new moderate party and is willing to work with it.  Swallow your pride and form an alliance with Democrats that will crush the Tea Party out of existence.  You have more in common with Democrats than with psychopants.  Do you really want to end dysfunction in Washington?  Don’t you actually want to govern?  Aren’t you tired of being so angry all the time?  Let’s make this election exciting in a good way, rather than in a terrifying way. 

Is this a pipe dream?  Perhaps.  Will you continue your cowardly ways and do as you’re told and support the eventual Republican nominee?  I know that is likely.  I’ll be voting for Hillary either way, because you’ve lost me.  But you know the way to get me back.

With regards for your health and happiness,

Claire

PS.  I’m not sure if he can count himself among your reasonable ranks, but tell Marco goodbye from the blob.  I had planned a scathing farewell, but this video gave me pause.

Blobba Kucha.

1.  Will and I are proud that a fellow Rice Owl's theory that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac killer has gained traction on the internet and was even a polling question in Florida.

2.  I sadly bid farewell to Jeb.  The GOP wades ever deeper into whackadoodle waters, confidently spurning all life-preservers of calmness and reason.  Lindsey Graham put it well today, describing his own party as "the team that bought a ticket on the Titanic, after we saw the movie."

3.  Here is the bonus slide from my Pecha Kucha presentation today at work.

Ode to Christopher "Chris" Christie.

I am sorry to break the news on this blog that my very own New Jersey governor, the honorable Chris Christie, has given up his bid for the presidency of the United States of America.  My feelings on the governor have come a long way since I first saw his lawn signs in New Jersey back in 2009 and thought, “that’s a dumb name”.  While I do not agree with him on every issue, I like and respect him.  He is a pragmatist, not a pyschopants demagogue.  His Jersey ‘tude will be missed in this race.  I have been calling Marco Rubio a robot for a long time, so I really appreciate that Chris Christie confronted him on this and brought the issue to the national stage.  That particular clip of him destroying poor baby Marco in Saturday’s debate was the first thing I saw Monday morning after I woke up (thank you, Erin) and it had me totally jazzed.  I practically leapt out of bed and fist pumped my way to the shower. 

So Governor Christie, I know Bruce Springsteen probably didn’t let you use any of his songs on the campaign trail, but baby, you were born to run, even if only to take Marco Rubio down with you.

Good night, Asbeary Park.

I object.

Many of you may know that Super Bowl 50 is coming to the Bay.  It’s been causing all sorts of road closures and traffic issues in downtown San Francisco this week, which seems odd to me, as the actual game will be played down in Santa Clara on Sunday.  Regardless, lots of people have come to town to enjoy the pre-Super Bowl festivities, which presents wonderful opportunities for PROTESTERS.  I enjoyed the email we got at work today warning us about added traffic problems due to upcoming protests.

I admit I am very curious about Bloodstained Men & Their Friends, but am too afraid to google them.

On a mildly related note, I just had a great idea for a business venture.  Why is no one producing Ted Cruz punching bags?  

Don't punch the messenger bag.

Usually when I have these ideas, someone has already done it.  (For example, I wanted to make a blog called “Right to Bear Arms” and would photoshop bear arms onto various political figures.  But apparently other people have already thought of this joke.  I may still do it.)    Elevator pitch: “Need a break from Feeling the Bern?  Try Punching the Ted!”  I imagine I could get some investors out here.