Stand down, you idiot fucks. Stand down.
Such moments in history
do not often befall us mere men. The Keurig has wronged
us. The Keurig has burned us. Your valiance against the Keurig will
not soon be forgotten.
But we cannot continue
in such bitterness. Brother against brother, father against son, husband
against wife, husband against husband (lol jk, that would be gay and we don’t
do that on this show), son against brother against father against nephew, men
against single serving coffee machines.
Enough! What more can the world
take?
Again, I say, stand
down.
We cannot hallow these
grounds. Frankly, they don’t
deserve it. I call on you to make
peace with the Keurig, not because it is easy…but because it is hard. Also because Volvo pulled its ads
and I’m a little afraid to see what you’ll all do next. (Oh who am I kidding—GO
SMASH SOME VOLVOS INTO HILLARY CLINTON’S FACE) (lol jk again, my lawyers are advising me not to encourage
this behavior.)
There will be other
hills of beans to die on. This is
not our hill.
You have fought the good
fight. You will finish the race,
maybe even all the races. You have
kept the faith. Know that our God fully espouses our righteous rage.
Is that not the best part of waking up? But we must return to merely winking at violence, rather
than actively stirring the pot.
Press on.
