Questions I have about this week's news.

Why does Donald Trump refer to himself in the third person in statements regarding Vladimir Putin?  Was this something Putin required in their secret agreement to destroy liberal democracy?  “While discussing me, you shall refer to yourself in the third person.  It will make you sound extra dumb.”  “Yes, sire.”

What other vulgar terms, besides "pussy grabbing" and "golden showers", will the Trump White House bring into vogue?  Aren't we glad we have this to look forward to, and not, say, a president who once had a private email server?  The emails!  Oh God, the emails!

Why wouldn’t Trump try to debunk the Russian prostitute rumors with a statement like, “This couldn’t possibly be true because I am faithful to my wife and find the hiring of prostitutes abhorrent”?  Because no one would believe it?

Will the Obama girls pass on their wisdom in a letter to Barron?  What would they say?  Should I write it for them?[1]

If Kellyanne Conway were human, would she laugh or cry herself to sleep?[2]

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[1] The Blob’s ethics watchdog Will has concerns about this potential post.  W: “He’s a child.”  C: “Probably a shitty child.”

[2] I can hardly watch this interview without becoming apoplectic, which leads me to another question—how did Anderson Cooper survive?

Bah humbug.

Merry Christmas, you are now allowed to take an exam.*

*After you send us a check for a hundred dollars.

*And then you wait four more weeks.

Rice, fight, never die.

Last night, as I browsed Breitbart (as one does to court heart disease/lose IQ points/take years off one’s life), I was surprised to see a familiar name:

Nice try, Breitbart, but this photo is not from the Rice group hug, as that took place at night.

Rice University, my dear alma mater.  If Breitbart is mocking you, you know you’re doing something right.  Oh how I love thee.

I think the last time the internet mentioned us was back in 2011, during the Worst NCAA Basketball Championship Game In History.  UConn played Butler at Reliant Stadium in Houston, and both teams were absolutely miserable.  The game was so boring that the cameras kept panning over to show the section of Rice students holding signs that said “We’re just happy to be here”.  Apparently we were trending on Twitter during the game as many people were like, “what is Rice #worstgameever”.

So here we are, back in the internet spotlight—this time featured on the official news outlet of the Trump White House no less!

The article laments a group hug conducted by Rice students as “just another in a series of campus coddling events that have occurred at universities across the United States in response to Trump’s victory.”  Please watch the video in the link and judge for yourself if this was a “campus coddling event”.  In true Rice fashion, this is the most awkward group hug imaginable.  It’s not even a hug.  I’m actually disappointed—I was hoping for a big hugging mob (not MOB) (Rice joke) around Willy’s statue.  Instead, they just stand there linking arms and eventually start singing the Rice song because it must have been too awkward to stand there in silence.  Is this really news, Breitbart?  Can’t you guys, like, I don’t know, get a life?  Leave my Owls alone?

Because my blood pressure was not high enough, I braved a trip to the comment section.  Oh the rewards.

Interesting you'd mention "moral compass", Wagoner.

Pretty sure they are still getting drunk and laid, but they are also managing to learn EMPATHY--a lesson you may have missed...along with grammar.  Go back to ignoring minorities.

Hoooooo hoooo hoooo "simpering nancies"!!!  "Bottom feeders of society"!!!!  Bless you, ArsenicSundae.  At the risk of sounding too tri-coastal elite (Gulf Coast, what up), I can't wait to tell all my Rice doctor friends what bottom feeders they are.

Seriously, you don't want to know what my Rice friends are doing with their pathetic lives.  But I won't be so gauche as to list them out.

But here it gets interesting:

Killin' it, Cath.  THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

I'm not sure we could find an exchange that better sums up what is wrong about Breitbart.  Denial of an account that does not align with the propaganda, preferencing "my reading of what happened" over "what actually happened", patronizing an entire generation and denying its value, only accepting their definition of "Conservative".

Cathy’s story is absolutely plausible.  A "can't we just hug this election out" group hug feels a lot more Rice than "omg what are we gonna do Trump is president now" group hug.  Rice is still in Texas, y'all.  There are Republicans there.  But as Cathy so aptly points out, the truth does not fit the Breitbart narrative.  Empathy on college campuses does not fit the narrative.  

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I'd ignore Breitbart were it not for the fact its chairman, Steve Bannon, will be president-elect Trump's chief strategist.  Breitbart and the "alt-right" are no longer "fringe"—Trump has given them the legitimacy of a coveted White House role.  If Bannon has zero moral qualms about promoting ignorance, insinuating anti-Semitism, or giving voice to white nationalists, what will he do when he has the ear of the president?

I'll leave you with one last bit from the comment section:  

Jacktee, at least we can agree on that.

How interesting.

Debate diagrams, part two.

To be honest with you.

Debate diagrams, part one.

Do kids diagram sentences* these days?  I've always enjoyed the activity.  For my own amusement (and perhaps for yours), I decided to diagram a few of Donald Trump's "sentences"** from the first debate.  His peculiar rhetorical structure forced me to get a little creative at times, so I cannot claim 100% accuracy in my diagramming.  But as far as I can tell, Mr. Trump has never been concerned with 100% accuracy, so I'm not too worried.

That's the kind of thinking our country needs.

One of the more bizarre sentiments uttered in a presidential debate.

Palm Beach, tough community.

We need to abandon coherent sentences.  It is the kind of thinking our country needs.  

RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE MY STRONGEST ASSET IS MY TEMPERAMENT RAGE RAGE 

*Great resource for those of you who want to revisit 6th grade English.

**Straight from the transcript provided by the New York Times, which surely is misrepresenting Mr. Trump at Hillary Clinton's behest.  

Soil stack vents.

From the Kaplan Building Systems ARE study guide:

"In the soil stack, the section above the highest fixture is called the stack vent (as opposed to the vent stack) and vents the soil stack.  The vent stack is a 'stack' of vents; the stack vent is something that vents the top of the soil stack."

"Stack" and "vent" are starting not to look like words.