Email leak.

You may have noticed some buzz in the news about emails getting leaked all over the place.  We’ve got Hillary’s emails out there thanks to the FBI, we’ve got DNC emails out there thanks to the Russians and Julian Assange.  It’s all very exciting.  I decided I wanted in on the fun and have elected to leak a few of my own emails. 

Some of you may have heard the recent This American Life story of a guy who accidentally receives other people’s emails, on account of his very generic name and email address.  While I like to think I don’t have a completely generic name, I too periodically receive emails that were meant for someone else.  Usually that someone is a Claire O'Connor from Ireland, but there was a string of eHarmony Australia emails for a while too.  I do hope all the Irish emails are meant for the same Claire O'Connor every time.  She could be my alter-ego.  

I received one of these emails this morning, which inspired me to share.  My favorite is probably the very detailed offer for a SillyBilly face painting job, with a darling note from a romantic Daniel O’Mara coming in a close second.  Please enjoy.  (Also forgive the terrible formatting.  Blogger stinks sometimes.)

Today's email.

This is a hen party!  Women only!

Dreamy Dan.

All time favorite.

Jonathan: a good, honest lad.

Helloooooo Steane!

A time for tolerance.

Greetings, blob-o-sphere!

I have generally both agreed with and enjoyed previous posts from Claire Blobbing, but in good conscience, I cannot let last week’s post lie. 

My name is Will Randall, and I think Pokémon Go is a blast. 

Our blobbing overlord does not share my enthusiasm for Jynx and her friends.

In elementary school, I played the Pokémon card game, Pokémon Snap and dabbled in other videogame iterations of the series, but no installment in the Pokémon pantheon has enthralled me like Pokémon Go. It’s a drug for the curious and wandering mind. You have no idea when and where you will uncover something exciting. That unknown keeps you coming back for more.  

My current posse

Whether Pokémon Go is the most successful plank in Michelle Obama’s “Let's Move!” campaign, an effort to cash in on 90s nostalgia by Niantic and Co., or something in between, I cannot wrap my head around a worthy cause for outrage or alarm. Because of this game, people are exploring and enjoying their surroundings. They’re socializing with strangers - celebrating the appearance of a wild Charmander or lamenting a server error cancelling an exciting catch. They’re having fun, and they’re hurting no one. 

Pokémon Go inspired satire

Sometimes, I think we worry too much about “what’s the point” in life. So much of the joy in living life is in just living it! I know I don’t need an end goal to have fun. I’m reminded of the fantasy game in the book Ender’s Game. There was no way to win. There was no “point”. It was a vehicle for exploration and curiosity - a means to blow off steam. Ultimately, the fantasy game was a game in which the player created their own victory conditions. Sure, knowing the end goal of game can be fun, but sometimes there is just as much fun in the unknown and discovering for yourself what a world might hold. 

Not sure what Niantic is trying to say about Detroit with all these Drowzees...

I firmly believe it is not our place to tell others how to have fun (in socially responsible ways). We are all entitled to our own pursuits of happiness, and we should learn to celebrate, or at least respect, what makes each other happy. There is a lot of scary shit going down in the world - be it the attacks in Orlando, Nice, Dallas or Baton Rouge, the failed coup in Turkey, or Rudy Giuliani's speech on Monday at the Republican National Convention. As a nation and as human beings, we are better than these reprehensible expressions of fear, disgust, and hate. These are base emotions that threaten to tear good people and nations apart. 

I can’t help but think we all need more of the joy and fun that Pokémon Go brings in our lives. Every little bit of goodness in the world matters. The greatness or reprehensibility of a civilization is built on the mundane foundation of all our lives. So make good choices, learn to love your neighbor, and the next time a stranger fistbumps or yelps when they catch a Pokémon, smile and share in their small moment of happiness - it’s only a game. 

Keep chasing the dream.

Speechwriter application.

Thank you.  Thank you so much.  Please.  Thank you.  Thank you.

I am thrilled to be here.  As I look out at all your bright, white faces, I am excited at all we can accomplish together, with my husband, Donald J. Trump, as our king.

Some people wonder—what is the best thing about being the beautiful wife of Donald J. Trump?  Or perhaps, why did I debase myself and marry the man some consider the vilest American alive?  Two words: bank account.  Oh, and his giant dick, which I am contractually obligated to mention on a monthly basis.

I don’t understand why people think my Donald hates immigrants.  I mean, hello?  They don’t make bodies like mine in America.  Donald fully supports the importation—sorry, I mean immigration of beautiful women.  Rich American douche bags need people to marry too, you know!

When I am your queen, I will work for a cause very near to my heart—the cause of all the beautiful women and children.  And I do mean just the beautiful ones.

But for now I want to address all American women, even the ugly ones.  I have heard that some of you think Donald hates women.  It’s just not true.  Donald loves women.  Look at me—I’m a woman, and he loves me.  So you shouldn’t worry. 

Please, vote for my husband.  He is the greatest husband, the best. 

Thank you so much for all the love you've shown for Donald and me.  You’ll hear from me again in a few years—I’ll have a tell-all with Anderson Cooper after my contract expires when I turn 50 and Donald has upgraded to the next hot, young piece of ass.  We can’t expect him to keep an old hag by his side!

Anyways, God bless Donald J. Trump, and God bless America.

Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist: A Treatise on the Current Racial Tensions in America

FAKEOUT. I did consider writing such a treatise, but I cannot bear to be the bazillionth person to contribute preachy thoughts on race to the black hole that is the Internet.  I just loved the title too much to let it go.  Instead, allow me to be the bazillionth curmudgeon to examine the resurgent popularity of Pokemon.[1]

Perhaps you have heard of the latest fad, “Pokemon Go”.  If somehow you blessedly missed this, go outside and watch for the swarms of millennials[2] staring down at their phones.  More than the usual number are out-of-doors and they are all playing Pokemon Go.  The game has consumed the entire population of San Francisco[3].  As far as I understand, the goal is to catch virtual Pokemon—catch them all. After that…the end game is unclear. 

Back in our youth, Maureen, Patricia, and I enjoyed Pokemon.  We had the cards and played the various Gameboy[4] games, but our true love was Pokemon Snap on Nintendo 64.  Nothing tickled us quite like luring dozens of hungry, adorable Charmanders with apples.  And convincing Pikachu to surf?  We would melt with delight.

Such joyful creatures.

Precious.

So why doesn’t Pokemon Go resonate with me?  After all, it’s basically the “real-life” version of Pokemon Snap.  As a millennial, I ought to gobble up anything that feeds into my nostalgia for the nineties.[5]  And yet, it will not do.  My distaste for humans becoming solitary, screen-staring robots trumps[6] whatever I could like about the game.  Sure, it’s great that people are getting out and about, but they might as well be inside for all the looking around they’re doing.  They look up when the game tells them to look up.  If “augmented” reality is the future, I may consider becoming a hermit. 

I listened to an interview with David Schwimmer on a podcast today.  He thinks one of the reasons kids are watching Friends is that it’s a window to a time they’ve never known.  They have never seen six people sit in a coffee shop and talk.  Call me an old-fashioned grumpma, but I miss those days.  It’s funny to me that Pokemon Go is trying to evoke the nineties, but actually makes them feel much farther away.[7]

---

[1] This is still a treatise so there will be footnotes.

[2] My computer apparently is too old to recognize the correct spelling of “millennial”.

[3] Neither children nor old people inhabit this city.

[4] Join me next week for a discussion on how the sexist name “Gameboy” destroyed my game playing confidence as a woman.

[5] Make America great again, am I right?

[6] This word is ruined for me forever.

[7]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNoouLa7uxA

Pompeii.

(Let's be honest--we all know that I will never finish writing a comprehensive review of our trip to Italy.  Instead, I will do some individual posts about some highlights.)

I remember learning about Pompeii and Mount Vesuvius for the first time in fourth grade.  The details of the event horrified and captivated me—I can still picture the photos of the crouched plaster bodies in our textbook.  Pompeii has occupied my imagination from time to time over the last 17 years, so when faced with the prospect of actually visiting the place, I worried I would be disappointed.  Would this be the Italian Alamo? 

NOOOPE way cooler than the Alamo.

My fears were unfounded—Pompeii exceeded all my expectations.  I had imagined a small, excavated site with barriers keeping visitors from the ruins.  Instead, Pompeii is HUGE (yuge?) and tourists are free to walk around, touch the walls, and go in the buildings.  I had also imagined that the famous plaster casts of the unfortunate souls would be littered all about the site….they are not.

Here's one...peekaboo?

We had a great tour guide who showed us a lot of things I would have missed had I just been exploring on my own.  He pointed out these long grooves at the thresholds of all the little houses—tracks for sliding doors!!  This just totally blew my mind and I still can’t quite put my finger on why.  Maybe it’s that 2000+ years later, I am still drawing sliding doors on floor plans.  The Romans were ahead of the game on indoor/outdoor living.

ARE YOU NOT AMAZED

I loved seeing the many clever details in Roman architecture.  In the bathhouse, the barrel-vaulted ceilings have grooves so the condensation from all the steam would just run down to the walls rather than drip on the bathers.  The angles of the windows in the ceiling allowed the bathers to keep track of the sun and get home in time for dinner. 

Grooves and windows

Will inspects the tub.

I shouldn't have been surprised that the Romans were good at building roads.  All the roads are just as they were back then.  The little marble specks between the bigger slabs were reflectors. I also enjoyed the elevated crosswalk stones--gotta keep those Roman sandals out of whatever muck might be flowing in the street.

Safety first.

Crosswalk.

As we walked around the very spots where ancient Romans shopped, socialized, worshipped, and lived, I became increasingly bowled over by the fact that 2000 years separate us from them.  Sure we’ve had a few technological advances since their time, but in terms of essentials…how much have we truly progressed?  Will reminds me that most people don't do slavery anymore.  So that's a good step.  

We still get drinks at the bar.