Incredible.

Friends, I have good news and bad news.  Let’s share the bad news first. 

Zero bids.

While I am disappointed, I admit I am not surprised.  I think my dress description managed to alienate all potential buyers.  I did try to make this an internet sensation.  For the first time ever, I used my Twitter quite aggressively, reaching out to famous and semi-famous people to alert them to the cause.  Unfortunately, all my efforts got me were a) one weird new Twitter follower and b) locked out of my account.  (By the by, my Twitter spirit animal may be Cher.  She is full of emojis and anti-Trump rage.  Not enough to bid on my dress though.) 

There is still time to sell the dress.  5 hours.  Miracles happen. 

Now the good news.  My week of Ivanka-trolling led me to an important realization: Ivanka is Mirage from The Incredibles.  We excuse her propensity towards evil* because she is hot and her boss is creepily in love with her.

*This comparison is unfair to Mirage, I know.

“But doesn’t Mirage double-cross Syndrome, save Mr. Incredible, and turn out to be good in the end?”  Correct.  I already told you the comparison is unfair.  I hate to be the one to tell you, though….real life is no Disney movie.

But it is pretty incredible.

 

Women who work.

I had a very unsettling dream last night.  It was Election Day, the result of which somehow was related to the outcome of the NCAA basketball championship (also happening that day).  Hillary’s chances would increase with one team’s victory, and Trump’s would increase with the other’s.  I was watching the game at a bar with Meryl Streep (of course). The refs were making horrendous calls, Trump’s fans were getting loud and rowdy, and Hillary’s team kept throwing the ball away.  (Apparently my subconscious is good at metaphors.)  Meryl and I were tearing our hair out, and at one point I believe we were crying with each other.  The game did not end and I remember thinking “How could I have gone to sleep before finding out who won the election?” (Sometimes in my dreams, I am aware that I am sleeping, but not aware that the dream is not real life.)

When I woke up this morning, I felt I needed to take action.  But how?  I only have one vote.  But…..I also have an Ivanka Trump dress in my closet.  Though I used to love this dress, I know now I can never wear it again.  Rather than let it languish on a hanger, perhaps I could use it for good.  I decided to sell it on eBay and give half the proceeds to a charity that would make Donald Trump squirm (a group that distributes feminine hygiene products to homeless women) and the other half to the Hillary Victory Fund. 

The dress sale description:

This dress is as beautiful and thin as Ivanka Trump herself.  It will give you all her class and poise--you too can look effortless as you defend the your father's bigotry and hate.  Be warned: this dress may make your father proclaim that he would date you.  But don't worry, that's definitely not as creepy as it sounds. Ivanka was cool with it, so you should be too.

I bought this dress about 4 years ago and it is still in excellent condition.  Slip is included.  The outer shell is a bit shear, but the slip mitigates its see-through quality.  It's the best of both worlds: sexy enough for men to tolerate your presence, but chaste enough so as not to elicit their sexual harassment.

Lovingly hand crafted by the best Chinese workers.  Cannot guarantee that they were paid.  

50% of the proceeds from this sale will be donated to (fem)me, a nonprofit in Athens, Georgia that "seeks to relieve the unnecessary suffering experienced by homeless women who do not have access to feminine hygiene products."  The remainder will go to the Hillary Victory Fund.  And yes, I will actually donate this money.

I’m realizing I may not be cut out for sales.  (No bids yet.)  But please do share and consider bidding.  I’d hate for Ivanka to think no one wants her dress. 

Sonoma in crisis.

Editor’s note: We were in Sonoma  this Labor Day weekend for the beautiful wedding of college friends Steffi and Rob.  Rice reunions are always wonderful.

Despite our many trips to wine country, Will and I had never been to the town of Sonoma.  Our bed and breakfast was a quick walk to the lovely town square, where we enjoyed browsing the boutiques, tasting rooms, and farm-to-table restaurants.  I would be shocked if a single processed food dared exist within 15 miles.  Well-dressed families strolled and picnicked, children rode their bicycles, and perfectly groomed dogs led their owners on leisurely walks.  Just a block or two from where we stayed stands the original Williams Sonoma.  Shoppers exited the store radiating sunbeams and song.  I admit I even squealed with delight. 

And yet, behind its idyllic façade, Sonoma is a town with some real problems.  I refer to its struggle against the tyrannical leaf blower lobby.  For the last six years, the Sonoma City Council has weighed the critical issue of leaf blower legality.  These vile instruments of lawn maintenance have pitted neighbor against neighbor.  Lawn signs proclaiming “LEAF BLOWER FREE ZONE” demarcate the battle lines.  Could there be greater threats to their community than the noise, greenhouse gases, and particulate matter that leaf blowers spew into the air?  Still, some residents and their landscapers selfishly cling to these tools of destruction.  (When will they think of the children?)  Thankfully, Sonoma Neighbors Against Leaf Blowers, or SNALB (pronounced similarly to the word “snob”), is on the case.  In March, largely thanks to SNALB’s advocacy, the city council voted to ban gas-powered leaf blowers and restrict the use of electric blowers.  Refusing to give in, however, pro-leaf blower activists gathered the necessary signatures to overturn the ban and place the issue on the November ballot.  (And you thought Hillary v. Trump was the crisis of our times.  Sad!)

Will Sonoma succeed in removing this menace from their streets?  Will this election finally spell doom for the leaf blower?  Or will the leaf blower continue its reign of terror…  Only time will tell.  I'll keep you posted.

My first book.

Will and I went back to New Jersey two weekends ago for a glorious visit at home.  My mom kindly had put all my things in banker boxes and storage bins, and was very excited for me to go through it all and decide what to keep or throw away.  I didn't end up making much progress (sorry, Mama) because we were quickly distracted by the many gems we found.  (I was a prolific author and cartoonist in my day.)  The following is definitely a favorite among the discoveries.  Please enjoy the 20th anniversary edition of my first book, written for an assignment in second grade.  It was a simpler time.

Actually kind of looks like him.

His mom, however, was indifferent.

Ever supportive Barb.

Pew pew pew pew look out for lone Japanese man with laser gun pew pew pew mayday mayday

Happy Marrige!

Only dropped him once or twice.

Wait....John??????????

Back when I thought working in oil and gas meant using a bicycle pump to extract that sweet black gold.

Reagan, praise his name.

Definitely busy.

No one will ever take that away from him.
Also this was back when I thought both candidates waited for the election results together on a stage...  
...Can we make that happen this year?