When I arrived at my
seat for my flight back to the west coast, a small boy was already sitting there.
Me
to the mom: Oh, I think this little guy is in my seat.
Mom:
Oh yes, do you mind sitting in first class so our family can sit together?
(motions to husband and two other small children across the aisle)
Me:
WHAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DO I MIND?
SEE YA, SUCKASSSSSSS (grab ticket she is handing me and muscle way back
to front of plane)
Upon arrival in first
class, I briefly attempted to play it cool, as if I belonged there, but the
charade did not last. I flagged
down a flight attendant for a gin and tonic (“HEY LADY, CAN A PERSON GET A
DRINK IN HERE OR WHAT”) and then called my mom to proclaim my good
fortune. Jane was ecstatic. “Honey, that is wonderful!!!! I can’t believe it!!!” The guy next to me (very obviously a
creature of first class and unimpressed by its many luxuries) definitely could
hear her joyful shrieks and cries coming from my phone. I think the excitement
level of my mom’s response ranks just behind that of her reaction to Erin
telling her she was having twins.
After I hung up with my
mom, I sipped/downed my drink and found myself spying on my neighbor’s
pre-flight text messages. (In my
defense, he had the text set very large so it was almost impossible for me not
to read them.)
Girlfriend
(presumably): Miss you
Him:
Miss you too babe
Him:
Boatload of losers just came on board
I almost spit out my
drink. Was he referring to the
poor souls journeying to the back of the plane, the plebes—my people, until my stroke of luck just moments before? Was he joking? Did this man not understand how swiftly
and inexplicably our lots in life may change? One minute in business, the next in coach? I decided two things then and there:
1)
I would not hold in my farts for this guy.
2)
I required another gin and tonic.
Cheers to 2017,
y’all. Let’s live it up while we
can.
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