The wonders of Muni.

(I had wanted to avoid writing this post, but the universe conspired against all of us this morning and I am now compelled to write it.  Forgive my sass.)

You know what really grinds my gears?

Inane people on Muni in the morning. 

Does your morning commute need more adults behaving like children?  Come to San Francisco and have your fill.  Perhaps you’ll witness a dramatic businessman yell at and physically block a mother from exiting the train after her running four-year-old.  Maybe, when another woman tries to help the mother, you’ll hear the man accuse her of hitting him.  You may even hear him loudly call her a bitch—all before eight o’clock!

Grown men throwing fits not your cup of tea?  Would you rather feel like the only sane person in a mental institution?  Muni can help you out here too.  A half full train will regularly leave behind a platform full of people because no one can board the train.  Why can’t they board, you ask?  The people on the train don’t seem to understand that they don’t have to stand directly in front of the door.  Here’s where you get to feel like you’re stuck in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: ask people to move so you can get in.  First try asking the general group: “Can we make some room?  Will you all move in please?”  You’ll get blank stares, perhaps a shrug, and zero movement.  You’ll probably have to stay on the platform for this one.  When the next train pulls up, single out just one of the offenders.  Use your go-go-gadget arms to reach inside the car and tap the shoulder of the guy who has room for three people to do the Macarena next to him.  Politely point to all that space and ask him to move over.  Oh darn, no can do—he tells you he prefers to stand by the pole.  How about you try the average-height girl next to him?  “Miss, can you please move in?”  Strike two, she shrugs and lamely mimes that she can’t reach the overhead bars (she can).  You know the doors are going to close soon, but you are resolved not to miss this train.  Time to barge through.  Miracle of miracles—there’s room for you and the flood of people from the platform behind you.  But, you accidentally bump the average-height girl with your backpack as you squeeze by her. “Um, take off your backpack?  It’s proper etiquette,” she informs you.  It will be very difficult, but limit your response to an incredulous scoff.  You’ll do better than I did.

These displays of absurdity do not even include the ACTUAL crazy people of Muni, of which there are plenty.  One of them might tell you that she is your super brain, but not your super head.  Another may just sit in a corner and twitch.  These people can’t induce rage, however.  Save that for your supposedly sane brethren who are trying to get to work, just like you.

“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”