After work, I went with
a group from the office to Autodesk’s Design Night. It was very cool—interesting models and
exhibits, good speakers, open bar, good (?) food, and music. We had a fun time, but I headed home
before the rest of the group because I had to get up for an appointment at the
DMV (plan: get CA driver’s license, register to vote). Almost as soon as I walked in the door,
I got this sudden, sharp pain in my stomach just below my ribcage. It was unlike any kind of pain I can
remember ever having. I lay down
on the couch to see if it would go away, but it just got worse. Commence, my inner dialogue.
Rational Claire: Stay
calm. You are fine. Maybe some indigestion or perhaps you
ate something bad.
Hypochondriac Claire:
We’re dying. Oh my God, we’re
dying.
Rational Claire: Ignore
her. Breathe…..
Hypochondriac Claire:
You should probably go to the emergency room. If your appendix ruptures, you could die.
Rational Claire: You
probably just need to throw up.
It’s a perfectly normal thing our body does to expel things that don’t
make us happy.
Hypochondric
Claire: DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT
RATIONAL BITCH. WE HATE THROWING
UP. REMEMBER HOW MUCH WE HATE
THROWING UP? WE WOULD RATHER
SUFFER FOR HOURS DELAYING THAT TERRIBLE MOMENT.
Rational Claire: Right, but you’ll feel so much better
after you throw up.
Hypochondriac Claire:
IT’S A TRAP. DO. NOT. THROW. UP. NEVER. SURRENDER.
(I surrender. But still have this stabbing stomach
pain.)
HC: Oh
my God, shouldn’t we be feeling better?
You said we would feel better.
We are NOT FEELING BETTER.
WHAT IS THIS PAIN. WHAT IS
HAPPENING.
RC: Ok, how
about we just hang out on the couch for a bit—
HC: WHERE IS WILL. WHERE IS HE.
RC: Will went to a wedding in Houston. Relax, you are an independent woman.
HC: JESUS WHAT IS HAPPENING. IS THIS A KIDNEY STONE? You should call Erin. She had a kidney stone.
RC: It’s 3AM for Erin. She is asleep and getting a call in the
middle of the night will really freak her out. You know that better than I do, Hypochondriac Claire. I really don’t think this is a kidney
stone—
HC: WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT KIDNEY STONES? NOTHING. YOU KNOW NOTHING. YOU KNOW WHO DOES? WebMD.
RC: Wait, wait, wait, wait. We should not go to WebMD. That is a mistake and you know it. Wouldn’t we be dead several times over
if WebMD were always right? Do we
have HIV? No. Do we have diabetes? No. Have we ever had a heart attack? No.
HC: YOUNG FEMALES HAVE
HEART ATTACKS. They are more
likely to ignore the symptoms and therefore more likely to DIE.
RC: Alright, but have we ever had one?
HC: Maybe this is a heart attack.
RC: This is not a heart attack. This is our stomach. Focus.
HC: That’s it. WebMD Symptom Checker, here we come.
RC: NO.
(I open the computer,
type webmd into browser…)
RC: Claire, do you really want to do this?
No, but………..
HC: HIT
ENTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I hit enter. I put my symptoms into the Symptom
Checker.)
RC: Well, well, well, would you look at
that? Top three possible
conditions: Indigestion, Gastritis, Muscle Strain. And look, stomach cancer is the very last result. I think we’re gonna be okay.
HC: Ok, but…….H. Pylori……..
RC: We do not have an H. Pylori infection.
HC: Wow, I am…so…tired.
RC: Let’s try to get some sleep.
I moved to the bed. I’ll spare you the rest of the night,
but thankfully, Rational Claire (mostly) prevailed and we all managed to get a bit
of sleep. Rational Claire does
need to give WebMD some credit…it actually helped talk Hysterical Claire down
from a ledge.
I missed my appointment
at the DMV (also could not find passport until much later…) so I will have to
reschedule. But I am feeling
better now and actually starting to feel hungry. I might go make some rice and watch Inside Out.
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