Rumor has it (ooh) that
you and your gang of old white cronies are huddled up in Trump Tower at this
very moment, discussing options for your campaign in light of that unfortunate video published by your friends at the Washington Post. (Listen, I hear ya, it was ten years
ago, you’re a changed man. There’s
nothing like that sixth decade of life to force a man to examine his past life
of misogyny and entitled behavior and start anew.
Truly, you are amazing.)
My sources tell me one
Jefferson “Jeff” Sessions has mustered the courage to recommend you withdraw
from the race. Don. Listen to me. Do not withdraw.
Jefferson is being selfish.
He’s a backwards dweeb. You
hate dweebs. Dweebs are
losers. Look at the guy. He looks like the kid from Mad magazine
grew up and became a senator. How
did this guy get on the A-team anyways?
(Or do you call them the D-team? D-team might be more accurate. Let’s go with D-team.) You prefer guys who look like actual
thugs. You could have at least
recommended he take some hair tips from Donnie Jr. I mean, come on.
But I digress. Jeff and the gang are starting to get a
little worried about this thing called Election Day. It’s on November 8th. They are just now beginning to think that day might be a terrible, horrible, no good,
very bad day for the Republican Party.
(This is what happens when you surround yourself with people who aren’t
smarter than you. Not a
critique! I’m just saying!) I hate to break it to you, but I don’t
know how much Jeff actually cares about you. (I
know, right? Don’t tell him I told
you. But seriously, who couldn’t
care about YOU? You’re the
best! You’re the bomb! You’re the richest guy! You get all the hot ladies! Despite being an over-stuffed orange
man-child with small hands and bad hair!
You are ABSOLUTELY KILLING IT.
People love you! The
crowds! Those unbelievable crowds
full of the very best people America has to offer! You have so much to be proud of. You have created a movement.)
But I digress
again. Listen, we have exactly one
month left. You’re not a
quitter! You don’t quit! You’re a winner! You have a winning temperament. Let’s show those futzy old
Republicans what you’re gonna do to their party, huh? Let’s make them watch in horror as the results come in (in
horror, because of how big you’re going to win, of course!). Let’s make them truly understand what
it means to UNLEASH THE DONALD.
Let’s watch them squirm.
It’s been one hell of a
year. And I do mean hell. You have put us through hell. A good hell though! We’ve enjoyed it! It brought out people’s true
colors. Or whiteness, as the case
may be.
Don, I know you’re not
exactly accustomed to doing things for others. (It’s not your fault you were born with a silver spoon up
your ass. I would never blame you
for that.) But I humbly ask you to
give the American people the chance to reject (or accept! We still could accept it!) your vision
for making American great again.
You really have forced us to think about who we are and who we want to
be. Now give us the chance to prove to ourselves and to the world that we are not completely terrible. You owe us that much.
Now you get back on that horse, Don. We'll see you tomorrow at the debate.
Now you get back on that horse, Don. We'll see you tomorrow at the debate.
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