But Bob Loblaw no habla español.

Above: Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto
Below: Bob Loblaw, as portrayed by Scott Baio.

Thanks, Obama: A Treatise on Race in America

More book review than treatise.  Not actually much about Obama.  Just felt like a good title.

Few books have altered my understanding of history and of the present moment as profoundly as The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson.  I want every person in the country to read this book.

The Warmth of Other Suns is the story of the Great Migration, the exodus of six million African Americans from the South from around WWI through the 1970s.  I remember learning about this in high school history, but mainly as a simple chain of cause and effect.  Jim Crow was bad, black people moved away, demographics in northern cities changed.  I completely missed the big picture.  This was the largest and fastest migration of people in American history.  I’m not sure my italics can convey how huge that statement is.  How about This was the largest and fastest migration of people in American history.  The sheer number of migrants dispersing at such a rapid rate from one region to the rest of the country fundamentally changed most, if not all, aspects of our nation—our economies, our politics, our culture.

Isabel Wilkerson weaves the stories of three distinct migrants together with the overall picture of the Great Migration.  The personal accounts of Ida Mae Gladney, Robert Joseph Pershing Foster, and George Swanson Starling give the story of the Great Migration something I missed in history class—the power and emotion of our common humanity.  We learn not only of the indignities they escaped and the challenges of their new homes, but also what they felt at those moments.  We can feel Ida Mae’s nerves as she and her husband quietly prepare to leave Mississippi, without alerting their sharecropper for fear of retaliation.  We can feel Robert’s humiliation and delirium as he pleads for a place to sleep for the night on his drive from Texas to California.  We can see ourselves in these people.  They make us ask, “What would I have done in their shoes?  What if I had to flee the place I’d always known and start from scratch in a foreign city?”

This is not a political book, but it has clarified my views of civic responsibility.  As President Obama said in his farewell address,

[if our democracy is to work] For white Americans, it means acknowledging that the effects of slavery and Jim Crow didn’t suddenly vanish in the ‘60s…

Ms. Wilkerson expertly draws the lineage from slavery to the Jim Crow South to the Great Migration to the present, illustrating the compounding, deleterious effects of slavery on today’s African Americans.  We can’t pretend the wealth gap between white and black people is the result of one group’s hard work and the other’s laziness. Black people began in this country as slaves, were kept subject through sharecropping, denied rights and respect, forced to leave their communities to start again elsewhere, where they faced the same prejudices and earned less than their white counterparts.  While at the same time, white people were free to build their wealth over generations, free to attend the better half of “separate but equal” schools, free to buy homes where realtors forgot to tour their black clients, where those homes would appreciate in value and prove a good return on investment.  We cannot pretend institutionalized racism is a made-up phenomenon, when almost 9% of black men in their late 20s are in prison.  When, at the same time, a young white man convicted of raping an unconscious woman walks free after only three months in jail. It’s dishonest to pretend we all start on the same playing field.  We just don’t.

I’m not shaming white people for our ancestors’ wrongs.  I’m asking us to recognize how our whiteness has eased our paths through life.  If we truly believe all men and women are created equal, we have to acknowledge the injustice of the fact that one’s mere skin color either enhances or threatens one’s ability to pursue happiness.  The Warmth of Other Suns opened my eyes to so many ways that is true.

I would like to end this treatise and step off my soapbox, after a quote Ms. Wilkerson included in her Notes on Methodology, from the 1922 Chicago Commission on Race Relations report The Negro in Chicago.

It is important for our white citizens always to remember that the Negroes alone of all our immigrants came to America against their will by the special compelling invitation of the whites; that the institution of slavery was introduced, expanded, and maintained in the United States by the white people and for their own benefit; and that they likewise created the conditions that followed emancipation. Our Negro problem, therefore, is not of the Negro’s making.  No group in our population is less responsible for its existence.  But every group is responsible for its continuance; and every citizen, regardless of color or racial origin, is in honor and conscience bound to seek and forward its solution.

Raise a glass to freedommmm 

Questions I have about this week's news.

Why does Donald Trump refer to himself in the third person in statements regarding Vladimir Putin?  Was this something Putin required in their secret agreement to destroy liberal democracy?  “While discussing me, you shall refer to yourself in the third person.  It will make you sound extra dumb.”  “Yes, sire.”

What other vulgar terms, besides "pussy grabbing" and "golden showers", will the Trump White House bring into vogue?  Aren't we glad we have this to look forward to, and not, say, a president who once had a private email server?  The emails!  Oh God, the emails!

Why wouldn’t Trump try to debunk the Russian prostitute rumors with a statement like, “This couldn’t possibly be true because I am faithful to my wife and find the hiring of prostitutes abhorrent”?  Because no one would believe it?

Will the Obama girls pass on their wisdom in a letter to Barron?  What would they say?  Should I write it for them?[1]

If Kellyanne Conway were human, would she laugh or cry herself to sleep?[2]

---

[1] The Blob’s ethics watchdog Will has concerns about this potential post.  W: “He’s a child.”  C: “Probably a shitty child.”

[2] I can hardly watch this interview without becoming apoplectic, which leads me to another question—how did Anderson Cooper survive?

First class farts.

If I ignore the political climate and general world doom and gloom, I can say that 2017 has had a very auspicious start in Claireland. 

When I arrived at my seat for my flight back to the west coast, a small boy was already sitting there.

Me to the mom: Oh, I think this little guy is in my seat.

Mom: Oh yes, do you mind sitting in first class so our family can sit together? (motions to husband and two other small children across the aisle)

Me: WHAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DO I MIND?  SEE YA, SUCKASSSSSSS (grab ticket she is handing me and muscle way back to front of plane)

Upon arrival in first class, I briefly attempted to play it cool, as if I belonged there, but the charade did not last.  I flagged down a flight attendant for a gin and tonic (“HEY LADY, CAN A PERSON GET A DRINK IN HERE OR WHAT”) and then called my mom to proclaim my good fortune.  Jane was ecstatic. “Honey, that is wonderful!!!!  I can’t believe it!!!”  The guy next to me (very obviously a creature of first class and unimpressed by its many luxuries) definitely could hear her joyful shrieks and cries coming from my phone. I think the excitement level of my mom’s response ranks just behind that of her reaction to Erin telling her she was having twins.

After I hung up with my mom, I sipped/downed my drink and found myself spying on my neighbor’s pre-flight text messages.  (In my defense, he had the text set very large so it was almost impossible for me not to read them.)

            Girlfriend (presumably): Miss you

            Him: Miss you too babe

            Him: Boatload of losers just came on board

I almost spit out my drink.  Was he referring to the poor souls journeying to the back of the plane, the plebes—my people, until my stroke of luck just moments before?  Was he joking?  Did this man not understand how swiftly and inexplicably our lots in life may change?  One minute in business, the next in coach?  I decided two things then and there:

1) I would not hold in my farts for this guy.

2) I required another gin and tonic.

Cheers to 2017, y’all.  Let’s live it up while we can.

A Christmas tradition.

Watching the Kennedy Center Honors is a cherished Christmas tradition in my family.  Is this normal?  We all gather ‘round the TV and discuss how old and decrepit the honorees are looking these days, while we enjoy the retrospectives on their lives and careers. 

Peter asks, "Which member of the Eagles looks most like a skeleton?"

Those of you who do not dedicate a Christmas evening to sending senior citizens off into the American pantheon are truly missing out.  Every year, the Kennedy Center chooses a handful of actors/musicians/directors/entertainers to honor with a lifetime achievement award.  They put on a big glitzy show and bring in other celebrities to pay homage to the honorees.  It’s kind of similar to the “In Memoriam” segment of the Oscars, but the people are still alive.  The President and First Lady sit up in the box with all the honorees.  During any musical number, the camera pans up to the presidential box and we get to see everyone really feeling the music (see 1:00 and 2:32 marks). 

While I enjoy learning about the honorees’ lives and careers, I particularly love how awkward some of these tributes are.  The most bizarre in recent memory was Martin Short’s tribute to Tom Hanks in 2014.  At the end, Martin breaks out into an elaborate “Yankee Doodle Dandy” song and dance number (no, you are not forgetting Tom Hank’s hit role in Yankee Doodle Dandy.  Yes, it was an odd choice for a Tom Hanks tribute).  If you can’t stomach the whole thing, at least skip to the 16:10 mark—even Tom is like, wtf is happening.  Don’t miss 17:30 for a tap dancing child prodigy and Tom Hanks again being like, wtf.  Now envision in the same show, a sitar tribute to Sting and frequent camera pans to him clapping like a poorly programmed animatronic (9:40).  Like I said, you’re missing out if this is not part of your holiday tradition. 

This year's show could not escape a certain bittersweet atmosphere.  It was, of course, the last time a normal human president will preside over the event for quite some time, perhaps forever.  Attending the Kennedy Center Honors is just one of the many ceremonial duties I cannot quite envision for our president-elect.  (Reading books to schoolchildren, throwing out the first pitch, and giving State of the Union are others.)  Can we expect him to sit through an entire evening honoring other people?  Will his vanity allow it?  Our child-in-chief might need to bring his iPad.  Imagine the tweets coming from the president’s box. 

My show THE APPRENTICE got higher ratings than anything <insert actual honoree> has ever done!  Where is my award?  Very unfair!

I have to spend the evening with Hollywood elite—would rather focus on YOU, the American people!

But let's be real.  I think we all can predict what's in store for the 2017 Kennedy Center Honors.

Melania would rather be in her tower.

With a special tribute from surprise guest, Vlad!

*I know I promised not to name or depict our president-elect for the rest of 2016.  I'm sorry.  I couldn't help myself.  But...are you not entertained??

Vlad can't HEAR you!

Bah humbug.

Merry Christmas, you are now allowed to take an exam.*

*After you send us a check for a hundred dollars.

*And then you wait four more weeks.

The Blob's Favorite Podcasts of 2016.

I should be packing for my return to the East Coast.  So instead I will assemble a list of my favorite podcasts.

I came late to the podcast train.  Before 2016, I hardly knew what podcasts were, let alone how to get them onto my phone.  (What is internet?)  I heard people talk about programs like This American Life, but I just figured I would never know how to listen to them.  I liken it to how I felt not getting the Disney channel as a kid.  I’d hear the other kids talk about the shows and Disney channel original movies, but knew these things would never be part of my life.  I could only pretend to also have a crush on the Famous Jett Jackson.  I would never truly know him.

Earlier this year, however, I discovered the “Podcast” app on my phone and that subscribing to podcasts is free.  Who knew?  Now I don’t know how to get through a workday without my podcasts.  And Will doesn’t know how to get me to shut up about them.  So without further ado, the Blob’s Favorite Podcasts of 2016.

All Time Favorite: FiveThirtyEight Elections/Politics Podcast

They don’t know it, but Nate Silver, Clare Malone, Harry Enten, and Jody Avirgan are my best friends.  If only they knew me.  Clare is my soul sister (practically the same name, Catholic, went to Georgetown, one of four girls) and Harry is my nerd crush.  When I first heard his voice, I thought he was a 60-year-old Jewish man, but it turns out he is a very handsome my-age Jewish man.  I proposed marriage to him via Twitter when Will and I went to a live taping of the podcast in San Francisco, but he never answered.  I still hold out hope.

Nate, Clare, <3 Harry <3, Jody.

Happy nerds.

Nate and the gang offer sane, data-based election/politics analysis, with a healthy mix of nerd humor.  I wish more people would listen to them.  They are thoughtful, fair, and…balanced (!).

Runner Up: Presidential

Lillian Cunningham of the Washington Post aired an episode about each president every week leading up to the election.  It was a good substitute for my presidential biography reading (on which I made zero progress this year).  This easily could have been a gimmicky podcast about president trivia (did you know Taft was a fatty?  Did you know John Quincy Adams went skinny-dipping in the Potomac?), but instead, Lillian explored substantial themes every week (Abraham Lincoln’s love of writing and language, how William McKinley revolutionized the presidential campaign, etc).  I learned a lot and was also entertained (see William Henry Harrison campaign song).  I especially appreciated her treatment of the more recent presidents—she examined each with an open mind, without resorting to popular opinions and stereotypes.  This podcast is just another reason to support and subscribe to the Washington Post.  Gotta make an extra effort to support the First Amendment under the reign of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Best Theme Song: Dan Snow’s History Hit

I catch myself doing the same shoulder bob I do during the Soprano’s theme song.

Current Obsession: Stranglers

The people behind Stranglers have reopened the investigation of the Boston Strangler(s).  It’s both a fascinating and deeply disturbing listen.  Not for the faint of heart.  Also not recommended for listening right before you leave work and walk home alone…in the dark.

Other favorite: Longform

The guys on Longform interview writers and editors from all different kinds of publications.  Often brings on daydreams of a career as a freelance writer…

Best Podcast Made By One of My Cousins: NBA Squeeze

If you are looking for some deep cut analysis of the NBA with bonus Seinfeld references, look no further than the NBA Squeeze. I do not regularly watch the NBA, so I must admit a lot of the analysis of specific teams and players gets by me.  However, I particularly enjoy when Ryan and Joe get into the mechanics of the game.  Is the charge an appropriate call for the NBA?  Shouldn’t more guards be grabbing rebounds, while the bigs do all the boxing out work?  Why do we crave high fives at the foul line?  Have high fives gotten out of hand (pardon the pun)?  All important questions.  Thank you, Ryan and Joe, for bringing them to light.

---

My full list of podcasts is below (with assorted brief commentaries).  Favorites in bold.  I am always open to suggestions.

The Nerdist: my very first podcast.

Coffee Break Spanish: a very Scottish guy does this podcast but his Spanish is pretty good to my ear…

BBC Documentary: great except their episodes on America usually drip with condescension.

New Yorker Fiction

Undisclosed

Lore: just wish Aaron Mahnke would stop saying “you see” every third sentence.

Serial

TEDTalks: I have to be in the mood for TED talks.

Presidential

Makers

BackStory with the American History Guys: love these dudes.

FiveThirtyEight Elections

This American Life

Radiolab

Planet Money

New Yorker: The Writer’s Voice

Song Exploder

Embedded

KCRW’s The Organist

Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me

Freakonomics

Criminal

The Moth

99% Invisible: Is this the voice Roman Mars uses in his daily life?

Here’s the Thing with Alec Baldwin: Alec Baldwin is an arrogant windbag, but he interviews interesting people.

Death, Sex & Money

What’s the Point

Longform

Dan Snow’s HISTORY HIT: love this British nerd.  Great history podcast—his World War I stuff is very good.

More Perfect

Revisionist History

With Her: :____(

On Being with Krista Tippet: very zen.

NBA Squeeze

Looped In: Houston real estate podcast.  Gotta stay in the loop ;) ;) ;)

Stanglers

Colonial Williamsburg History: only episode I listened to was an interview with “George Washington”.  Not great.

Keepin’ It 1600

NPR Politics

Breakdown: Intriguing and incredibly depressing.  Don’t leave your kids in a hot car.

Decoding Westworld

Art Detective

The West Wing Weekly

Treat yo'self.

Tuesday dinner: pizza

Wednesday lunch: pizza

Wednesday dinner: birthday pizza

Thursday lunch: office gluttony potluck

Thursday dinner: skipped for my health

Friday dinner: French restaurant birthday burger and fries

Saturday dinner: birthday dinner party feast of cream of cauliflower soup, Caesar salad, braised short rib, mushroom pasta, and ice cream sandwiches

Not listed: alcohol consumed (much); exercise performed (zero)

So accept my regrets for a late blob, but be assured I have kept the cause of becoming a blob close at heart.  And waistband.  My goals this week are to consume only iceberg lettuce and perhaps to exert myself in a physical fashion.

Coming soon: The Blob’s Favorite Podcasts of 2016.  After a short snack.

Reason for the season.

Happy December, blobs.  If we can thank Donald Trump for anything, it might be that his victory has Fox News and lackeys in such an orgasmic tizzy that they might completely forget to freak out about the War on Christmas.  Praise sweet baby Jesus.  The reason for the season.

For my Advent sacrifice, I’m going to give up our president-elect. I find it difficult to prepare a joyful heart for the coming of baby Jesus while I’m dreading the coming of President Trump (which is doing nothing to sooth my sneaking suspicion he is the actual antichrist).  (Relax, I’m being dramatic.)  (Or am I…)  Anyways, my plan is to ignore him.  You all are welcome to join me.  We deserve a break.  After today, the Blob will neither mention his name nor display his image for the rest of 2016.  Instead, you can look forward to my very civilized reviews of the year’s podcasts, books, and shows.  Cheers.

We’ll leave Donald in the care of a trustworthy adult.  Thanks for taking one for the team, Mitt.  Let him wine and dine you, but if he proposes furniture shopping...cover your you-know-what and run.

...the Satan thing though.

Rice, fight, never die.

Last night, as I browsed Breitbart (as one does to court heart disease/lose IQ points/take years off one’s life), I was surprised to see a familiar name:

Nice try, Breitbart, but this photo is not from the Rice group hug, as that took place at night.

Rice University, my dear alma mater.  If Breitbart is mocking you, you know you’re doing something right.  Oh how I love thee.

I think the last time the internet mentioned us was back in 2011, during the Worst NCAA Basketball Championship Game In History.  UConn played Butler at Reliant Stadium in Houston, and both teams were absolutely miserable.  The game was so boring that the cameras kept panning over to show the section of Rice students holding signs that said “We’re just happy to be here”.  Apparently we were trending on Twitter during the game as many people were like, “what is Rice #worstgameever”.

So here we are, back in the internet spotlight—this time featured on the official news outlet of the Trump White House no less!

The article laments a group hug conducted by Rice students as “just another in a series of campus coddling events that have occurred at universities across the United States in response to Trump’s victory.”  Please watch the video in the link and judge for yourself if this was a “campus coddling event”.  In true Rice fashion, this is the most awkward group hug imaginable.  It’s not even a hug.  I’m actually disappointed—I was hoping for a big hugging mob (not MOB) (Rice joke) around Willy’s statue.  Instead, they just stand there linking arms and eventually start singing the Rice song because it must have been too awkward to stand there in silence.  Is this really news, Breitbart?  Can’t you guys, like, I don’t know, get a life?  Leave my Owls alone?

Because my blood pressure was not high enough, I braved a trip to the comment section.  Oh the rewards.

Interesting you'd mention "moral compass", Wagoner.

Pretty sure they are still getting drunk and laid, but they are also managing to learn EMPATHY--a lesson you may have missed...along with grammar.  Go back to ignoring minorities.

Hoooooo hoooo hoooo "simpering nancies"!!!  "Bottom feeders of society"!!!!  Bless you, ArsenicSundae.  At the risk of sounding too tri-coastal elite (Gulf Coast, what up), I can't wait to tell all my Rice doctor friends what bottom feeders they are.

Seriously, you don't want to know what my Rice friends are doing with their pathetic lives.  But I won't be so gauche as to list them out.

But here it gets interesting:

Killin' it, Cath.  THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

I'm not sure we could find an exchange that better sums up what is wrong about Breitbart.  Denial of an account that does not align with the propaganda, preferencing "my reading of what happened" over "what actually happened", patronizing an entire generation and denying its value, only accepting their definition of "Conservative".

Cathy’s story is absolutely plausible.  A "can't we just hug this election out" group hug feels a lot more Rice than "omg what are we gonna do Trump is president now" group hug.  Rice is still in Texas, y'all.  There are Republicans there.  But as Cathy so aptly points out, the truth does not fit the Breitbart narrative.  Empathy on college campuses does not fit the narrative.  

---

I'd ignore Breitbart were it not for the fact its chairman, Steve Bannon, will be president-elect Trump's chief strategist.  Breitbart and the "alt-right" are no longer "fringe"—Trump has given them the legitimacy of a coveted White House role.  If Bannon has zero moral qualms about promoting ignorance, insinuating anti-Semitism, or giving voice to white nationalists, what will he do when he has the ear of the president?

I'll leave you with one last bit from the comment section:  

Jacktee, at least we can agree on that.

My concession speech.

Good evening, my fellow Americans.  Thank you—yes, I love you, too.  Thank you.

What a year it has been.  As obnoxious as this tendency is, I’d like to quote myself.  In January of this year I wrote:

For me, 2015 was a gratifying year—exciting move to San Francisco, Erin’s wedding, etc—but for the world, 2015 seemed to be when the crazies took hold…everywhere.  Here’s to hoping everyone can CALM DOWN in 2016.  A vain hope for an election year, I realize.

Oh baby Claire.  Oh optimistic baby Claire.  I want to give that girl a hug.  Vain hope indeed.  The crazies were just warming up.

To say I’m disappointed in the outcome of this election would be a gross understatement.  My eyelids are just now returning to their un-swollen selves.  My body hurts as if I were in mourning.  And I guess I am.  I am mourning what I formerly believed so strongly about our country—that, as Hillary said often, “America is great because America is good.”  I don’t know if we are.

Donald Trump has accepted the results of the election because he won, as he said he would.  I have accepted the results of the election because I respect the system, not because I respect him.  He has not earned that.  I respect the will of the people, and I thank them for disillusioning me of my naïve idea that we would resolutely reject what Donald Trump was selling. 

While his campaign alarmed me, his election has finally made me understand the severity of the problems facing our country.  Racism, sexism, and ignorance run deeper than I realized.  The right to worship without fear is under threat.  The freedom of speech is under threat.

While I hope for the best for our country, I cannot promise to stand by and make nice for the sake of “healing the divide”.  Winning an election does not validate bigotry.  Bigotry will always be wrong.  I am more motivated than ever to take a stand.  My big mouth will keep blobbing.  Maybe I’ll move to a red state and run for office.  Maybe I will volunteer to help kids be better readers.  I don’t know what I’ll do yet, but I will do something.

To everyone who reads this blog, thank you for coming back and for giving all the nice feedback.  I enjoy writing here and I’m glad people enjoy reading it.  I hope people who do not agree with me stick with it too, so they can try to understand where I’m coming from.  I may be snarky, but I always try to be respectful.

The next four years will be a challenge, and we ALL will need to confront reality if we’re to overcome it.  I am ready.  God bless you, God bless Hillary Clinton, God bless Donald Trump, and God bless the United States of America.

Bag ladies for America.

I am all studied up for voting in California tomorrow.  17 state ballot measures, 24 city propositions, and 1 district measure.  Most exciting thing I learned: there is an American Progressive Bag Alliance.  Where do I sign up?  They are fighting California’s proposed ban on single-use plastic and paper bags.  Some of you may know—upon moving to San Francisco, I was very distressed to learn the city had banned plastic bags.  My precious plastic bags.  I had amassed a considerable collection in Houston.  How would I, in this new city, find more plastic bags to stuff into other plastic bags?  It has indeed been a struggle.  It’s too late for plastic bags in San Francisco, but perhaps not in California, if the American Progressive Bag Alliance has its way.  I await the result of tomorrow’s vote with bated breath.

In other news, I will be wearing a pantsuit tomorrow in honor of HRC.  Let's go ladiezzzz.

To the tune of "Work work work work work": Vote vote vote vote vote.

Speechwriter application, round 2.

Good evening.  Hello.  It’s me, Melania.  Did you forget me?  It’s been months since my husband, Donald Trump, has allowed me to speak, in public or in private, but I do so tonight at his behest.  He continues to enjoy making a fool of me, so the topic he has chosen for me to discuss tonight is online bullying.

I worry about my son, Barron von Trump.  He looks too much like his father.  He doesn’t take my hair advice.  If your parents were Donald and Melania Trump, whose hair advice would you take?  Melania’s, right?  My hair is amazing and Donald’s is very bad.  It’s very frustrating.  I’m sorry….I didn’t mean to speak my mind.  I am to be seen, not heard.  Don't forget, Melania...seen, not heard.

I also worry about Barron because most people don’t know what he actually looks like.  They assume he looks like this:

The only thing remotely accurate is that delightful little hand.  Just like his father's.  But I wish they would assume he is beautiful like his mother.  Instead, he is a classic target for those cowardly, faceless, nameless, internet low-lives.  Why are they afraid to use their names and pictures?  Is it because they are ugly?  Bullies should emulate my husband, Donald Trump.  He is proud to use his real name and picture while bullying others online.  So please, bullies, I want you to feel empowered to be yourselves.  It will make it easier for my husband, Donald Trump, to find you and put you in jail when he is our king.

I want to thank you all for supporting my husband, Donald Trump.  He tells me that I will be queen whether he wins the election or not.  I am so humbled.  God bless you, God bless Donald Trump, and God bless America.

Bob Ross is on Netflix.

Does everyone already know about this?  Such a soothing show.  I’d like to invite the hackers to replace Fox News with The Joy of Painting.  It would do the world so much good.  Bob Ross beats Sean Hannity and Bill O’F-ingReilly any day of the week.  I happen to have a small Russian readership—maybe you guys can make it happen.  (I know Donald Trump has you all very busy and this wouldn’t be in your national interest, but there have to be some of you who want to screw over Putin, right?)  Or we could just organize a national Joy of Painting watch party so everyone can calm the f down for 30 minutes (or 3 hours, as I did on Friday). 

I’ve been MIA from the blob as I was busy with final preparations for my office’s 50^th anniversary party on Thursday.  It was a YUUUUGE success.  Yuge.  Believe me, it was the best party San Francisco, maybe the world, has ever seen.  Yuge. 

I had a bit to drink at the party, which led me to have some wild dreams on Thursday night (my boss having a Velcro beard, etc).  In one dream, I had a meeting with Chris Christie and made him cry.  I gave a quite moving “I’m not mad, just disappointed” speech regarding his support of Trump.  He got very choked up. 

So this brings us back to me nursing my hangover on Friday with the help of The Joy of Painting.  I am now recovered and back to the blob.  Stay tuned for my election wrap-up coverage. 

From all of us here, I’d like to wish you happy voting, and God bless, my friend.

The Abortion Portion: A Treatise on the "Pro-Life" Distinction

Thankfully, the presidential debates are over and it seems (dare I say it) that Donald J. Trump finds himself in a deep, dark, orange hell hole of failure. (Sad!)  While I could comment on any number of exchanges from last week's debate, I would like to discuss this:

WALLACE: And now let’s talk about abortion. Donald, will your judges overturn Roe v. Wade?

TRUMP: Maybe? Yes. Probably.

CLINTON: (cracks knuckles) First off, no. Second off, I support Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood. It is nice that this is finally coming up at a debate with a woman in it. Do you think that women do this for fun? This is not fun. This is a decision you get to make about your own life and your own body, with your family, taking your faith into account, and I can’t imagine why you would want the government making it for you.

WALLACE: Ah, but didn’t you support partial-birth abortions?

TRUMP: I read somewhere that a baby can — you can just RIP a baby out of a lady’s tummy at nine months! In the ninth month. On the final day.

CLINTON: I think you’re describing a C-section.[1]

The abortion portion. I am actually glad for this opportunity because I have been mulling over a blob about the pro-life/pro-choice debate for a while now. I find the treatment of the issue incredibly frustrating.

Full disclosure: I was raised in a Catholic family and attended Catholic school through twelfth grade. I went to Mass every Sunday up through college. My friends sometimes refer to me as Catholic Correspondent Claire O’Connor. Despite the Church’s many flaws, I believe it is a force for good in the world and in my life. Even if I were to up and become an atheist tomorrow, the tenets of Catholicism as I learned them will always be deeply ingrained in me. “Love one another as I have loved you.” “Men and women for others.” “Others first, self last, God always.” That is the Catholic Church I know and love and am grateful to have been grounded in.

I have lots of Catholic friends and family on Facebook (and in real life). Every so often, I see a post go by pledging support for the only “pro-life” ticket (Trump Pence) or denouncing Hillary Clinton as a baby killer or decrying Tim Kaine’s betrayal of his Catholicism. These posts disturb me and highlight what I believe is flawed about pro-life/pro-choice debate.

We have a problem if the framing of one issue—an issue that is and should be important to Catholics—leads Catholics to vote for a ticket that is fundamentally at odds with Catholic values. There is nothing Catholic about the Trump Pence ticket. Their entire campaign has been to demonize the “other”—the same “other” that Catholics are taught to serve and put before themselves. Mexicans, Muslims, refugees, the disabled, the poor—we are meant to include them all. The word “catholic” means universal. “Others first, self last, God always.” When has Donald Trump ever put himself last?[2]

But, you say, Mike Pence is a professed servant of the Lord! Indeed, he sets that wonderful Christian example of enabling cruelty (as do all other supposed Christian leaders who do not disavow Trump). But Mike Pence’s record in perverting Christian values goes back farther than his joining the Trump ticket. He championed the Indiana “Religious Freedom Restoration Act”, which allows businesses to deny service to gays and lesbians on the basis of religious objections to LGBT lifestyles. Where in the Bible does Jesus say “Serve others, except those whose behavior you find offensive”? Jesus sought out the people society called sinners. He dined with them, he washed their feet, he lifted them up. Christians supporting these “religious freedom” bills might do well to read up on the Pharisees next time at Bible study—perhaps the Lord might open their eyes to some striking similarities.

But let’s get back to abortion, shall we? Just what everybody wants.

In my experience, Catholic education very effectively drives home the point that the pro-life movement has the monopoly on morality in the abortion debate. It took me a long time to even question that notion. But I once I did, I realized the debate is not so black and white. The terms "pro-life" and "pro-choice" are inadequate to encompass the nuance of this debate.

The pro-life movement’s two goals are to 1) overturn Roe v. Wade and 2) shut down Planned Parenthood. In other words, they believe making abortion illegal and eliminating the poster child of abortion providers will end abortion. That is simplistic, naïve, and wrong. Neither goal addresses why women seek abortions. It is assumed that, if legal access to abortion goes away, abortion will go away. This is a willful denial of the fact that women will seek abortions even if their access is limited. And without the protection of the law, these abortions would bring greater risk to women's health and well-being.

Shouldn’t the goal of the pro-life movement be to reduce the number of abortions to an eventual zero without jeopardizing the lives of women? I don't see them approaching the problem from this mindset.  They would rather moralize the issue.  I have a sneaking suspicion that, were the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v. Wade and the government to stop funding Planned Parenthood, the pro-life movement would declare victory, pack its bags, and go home. At best, they would be blissfully unaware of the women who would still seek dangerous abortions. At worst, they would believe these women deserve their fate.

The statistic you’ll never hear from pro-life people is that abortions have decreased steadily just about every year since 1990, and they are at the lowest number since the government started collecting data after Roe v. Wade.[3] Additionally, today almost no women die during abortions, whereas before Roe v. Wade, the mortality of women during abortions is estimated to have been 17% (and probably higher, as that percentage was calculated from only reported deaths).[4] Is there room for the lives of women in the hearts of pro-lifers?

What if the pro-life movement were to shift its attention from supporting politicians who pay them “we’ll reverse Roe v. Wade” lip service to supporting politicians who believe in comprehensive sex education for women and men? I think they might find that a better investment with better results.  But I suppose to do that, they would need to accept that humans have sex outside of marriage. :-O

I hope this election will lead Catholics to reexamine the "pro-life" litmus test. Perhaps they'll realize it's a term by which politicians realize they can hold hostage a portion of the Catholic and Christian vote. Our vote is worth more than that, and we should award it to politicians who deal with reality, rather than to those who would pontificate from a position of willful ignorance.

This treatise is hereby concluded. I thank you all for your time and respectful consideration. I will probably never discuss abortion on the blob again.

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[1] Erin and I enjoy Alexandra Petri's articles in the Washington Post. (How do I get her job..) Her debate recaps were great and much more enjoyable than the real thing.

[2] Or had “God always”, for that matter? The man who claims the Bible is his favorite book called II Corinthians “Two Corinthians”, for Christ’s sake. If we can thank Trump for one thing in this election, it’s for exposing the hypocrisy of the evangelical vote. 

[3] http://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/data_stats/

[4] 17% of all deaths due to maternity/childbirth in 1965.  Illegal abortion was even riskier for non-white women. “In New York City in the early 1960s, one in four childbirth-related deaths among white women was due to abortion; in comparison, abortion accounted for one in two childbirth-related deaths among nonwhite and Puerto Rican women.”  For more reading, https://www.guttmacher.org/about/gpr/2003/03/lessons-roe-will-past-be-prologue